First responders to fatal shooting relive the 'horror' of events

The devastating memories are remarkably vivid.

The sanctuary and safety that Cornerstone Church provides many of its members evaporated within a few sudden moments last year. The trauma still lingers, haunting the organization's leaders since June 2, 2022, when two Iowa State University students were gunned down in the Cornerstone parking lot.

Cornerstone Church founder Troy Nesbitt and Ames Police Department Commander Jason Tuttle were on site and two of the first to respond last June when John Whitlatch killed Eden Mariah Montang, 22, and Vivian Renee Flores, 21, and then fatally turned his gun on himself.

Nesbitt and Tuttle were attending a rescheduled elder's meeting inside the church that Thursday night when the shooting occurred.

The events of that evening are hard to shake. The joy and the excitement Nesbitt helped build over 23 years with the church disappeared when he opened the doors to the parking lot.

"Just the horror of seeing them dead. One in the parking lot, one on the sidewalk, one in the median. It's unforgettable and still painful," Nesbitt said Tuesday during a telephone interview. "When we started Cornerstone in 1999 it was nothing but a place of happiness, blessings and hope and healing. And in a moment, it was all overtaken."

Today, the church continues to rebuild, asking their members to forgive but never to forget what happened a year ago.

A few cell phones started to ring during the elder's meeting, but they aren't allowed take phone calls when they gather.

It was also the first night of the summer college ministry, The Salt Company, which meant hundreds of church members were pulling into the parking lot and entering the church.

Nesbitt picked up his phone and sent out a quick inquiry.

"I texted the Salt staffer who had called me and asked if I could call him later, and his response was 'no,'" Nesbitt said. "Well, when a relatively new staff member says no to the founding pastor, I realized I needed to call this guy back.

So I stepped out of the meeting."

Nesbitt made the call and rushed back to the meeting to grab Tuttle.

"(He said), 'Jason, there's a shooting in the parking lot,'" Tuttle said. "My face was, I was just dumbfounded. I thought he was joking. And I asked him, 'Why would you joke about something like that?'"

When reality set in, Tuttle raced out to the parking lot, unaware of what he may find.

More:Opinion: My cousin was killed at an Ames church. I'm pleading to change a failed system.

"I had just come from work. I was in plain clothes," Tuttle said. "I was wearing a polo shirt with my badge and weapon on my belt. I just ran out there not knowing what I would find."

Moments later, deputies arrived and Tuttle ran to Montang's side, but he could see she was no longer alive, so he ran to Flores.

"Some of my memories are scrambled from that night," Tuttle said. "That's what trauma does to your brain. Your memories become segmented."

Trauma impacts others in a variety of ways. How each person processes the ensuing emotions can be different as well.

The shocking event rattled its way through the church, and as the one-year anniversary arrived last week, the organization was still recovering.

"Trauma is like a speed bump in your life," Ames Police Department's Mental Health Advocate Julie Saxton. "That speed bump causes your stress or post-traumatic stress syndrome. And if you don't work through that trauma, it's like your car will keep hitting that speed bump and you can't get up and over it to the other side, to your destination."

Saxton said the average law enforcement officer experiences roughly 150 traumas per year. The average American suffers between one and three a year.

"Your body keeps score of those traumas," she said. "Physically and emotionally so that in a couple of weeks or 10 years, if that trauma isn't treated, it will manifest itself somehow."

More:Ames Cornerstone Church shooting: One year later, congregation reflects on healing process

Both Nesbitt and Tuttle have struggled to cope with the lasting effects of that day, and as the church continues to honor the one-year anniversary, they hope to continue healing.

Tuttle wasn't prepared.

Despite his prior experience as a police commander, a mass shooting in Ames is rare. Outside of one of the area's largest and most prominent churches, the location made it even more difficult to comprehend.

Those tragic events shook Tuttle and lingered for months.

"I've been to murder scenes and car crashes where people have died in my arms before this terrible event," Tuttle said. "But this was at my church, the sacred place where I go to worship and to get away from the world. That was all shattered. It had a deeper impact on me physically and emotionally than any other death I have witnessed."

This week, Story County Sheriff's Office Captain Nicholas Lennie confirmed that Montang had a permit to carry and did have a gun with her at the time of the shooting. He said he couldn't confirm whether she had the gun affixed to her hip or in her purse that evening.

"But I can say she didn't have it out in her hand and wasn't in the act of using it. She would not have had a whole lot of time to get to it," Lennie said.

Montag had ended her relationship with Whitlatch and had a restraining order against him. Montang and Whitlatch, both of Boone, served in the same Iowa National Guard unit, officials said last year. Whitlatch was arrested two days before the shooting for allegedly harassing Montang. He was released after posting bond.

The first week after the murders was especially difficult for Tuttle, littered with flashbacks and nightmares. But they started to subside after the first-responder debriefing 48 hours after the event. All emergency responders who were there that night gathered to discuss the events.

"We walked through what happened and that was very helpful for me," Tuttle said. "It started putting together the puzzles in my brain that had become scattered and segmented."

But the effects from that night continued, even for an experienced and trained officer of the law.

Tuttle suffered from physical exhaustion and difficulty sleeping. He couldn't concentrate and had trouble eating.

"Being around large groups of people, like even just being at church, was overwhelming and exhausting," Tuttle said.

He also found himself slipping into hypervigilance, even at church. He refused to be caught off guard again.

"I was scanning the crowd," Tuttle said. "That's what we are trained to do in law enforcement. Scanning for threats. But over time, if you do too much of that, it's not good for your mind or your body. Those stress chemicals can do a lot of damage to your body."

Then in September, Tuttle began to buckle under the stress. Or as Saxton had said, he could not get his car over "the speed bump" so he could continue to his destination.

"I've been through a lot of these same kinds of situations, but maybe not at this level of intensity because this time, these deaths were so personal for me," Tuttle said.

Tuttle knew he needed to adhere to his advice and seek help. He spoke to his wife and started reaching out.

"I'm our department's peer support team leader, so I've been preaching to our department that you have got to take care of yourselves. Just like you hear on the airplane: you have to put on your own oxygen mask first," Tuttle said. "But in September I felt really sick. Emotionally. Physically. So very tired and exhausted. These are the symptoms of PTSD. That was my wake-up call."

Tuttle went to Saxton and asked for help connecting with someone to guide him over the speed bump.

"Julie got me connected with a therapist immediately. Someone who works regularly with law enforcement," Tuttle said. "I'm very thankful that I could get help so quickly. That's been super helpful."

Tuttle encourages anyone considering violence or facing violence to reach out for help. Contact a friend, a physician or even the Ames Police Department.

"If our story at Cornerstone Church could help someone else work through their grief, man, that's worth it," he said. "Life is too short and precious to struggle through these things on our own."

More:Ames needs volunteers to help with RAGBRAI. Here's how you can help

Cornerstone Church, a significant structure, overlooks the Highway 30 and Interstate 35 interchange.

In 2016, Nesbitt resigned from leading the church to expand The Salt Network, the church's college ministry, across the country. In the aftermath of the shooting, Nesbitt said Lead Pastor Mark Vance supported the congregation and another staff member was ministering to the local college students. Because the congregation was already healing, Nesbitt turned to Whitlatch's family.

His goal was to help them heal and create a support system.

"They are not responsible for Johnathan's action," Nesbitt said about the Whitlatch family. "Johnathan created victims of everybody. Not just Eden and Vivian and their families, but he turned his own family into victims. His mom, dad, brother, sister and children. So I just chose to reach out to them and offer hope and healing and grace and forgiveness. For me, that was an important thing to do."

Lead Pastor Mark Vance said he and Nesbitt attended Whitlatch's funeral service in 2022 and shared a letter of forgiveness from the church.

Since then, Nesbitt said, several of Whitlatch's family members have visited Cornerstone Church and the congregation has helped with Whitlatch's oldest son's child care.

"For me, that was stage one" in my healing, Nesbitt said.

More:Bestselling author, Hubbard native Paul Kix to read at Dog-Eared Books Wednesday

More:Live music and good vibes: Don't miss these free and low-cost outdoor concerts this summer

Saxton suggests anyone with violent tendencies reach out to the many counselors and therapists in the Ames area. Another option would be to speak to a trusted physician or a friend.

Victims of violence, Saxton said, also need to share with others what is happening. Victims can stop by the Ames Police Department or the Mary Greeley Medical Center Emergency Room to ask for help. ACCESS in Ames provides support for domestic abuse victims. Their number is 515-292-0500.

Tuttle also suggests turning to the Mobile Crisis Team at CICS (855-581-8111) if people are considering violence or suffering from it. The Alternative Response for Community Health can be reached at 515-239-2147.

"This experience has helped me be better, more empathetic with people who come to us after a traumatic incident when they can't explain to in in order what has happened," Tuttle said. "It bring it to light for me now that I have experiences it myself in such a personal way."

Teresa Kay Albertson covers politics, crime, courts and local government in Ames and central Iowa for the Ames Tribune and Des Moines Register. Reach her on Twitter @TeresaAlberts11 and at [email protected], 515-419-6098.